Depression

 I can't shake off this depressing feeling. I just want to crawl into bed and cry. Why? I have a job and my friends are back, and my application for university has been sent away.. Will I ever be happy?

 Day 8 Entry 1

I can feel the sad numbing feeling coming over me again.. I'm so hungry but don't find any food appetising. I just feel sick. I am trying to keep busy by cleaning and wrapping presents but I just feel so tired and sad. I want to cry but nothing in particular is bothering me. I really want a cuddle. It's so weird that one simple hug from someone can make every bad thing go away. My special someone is 80 miles away. I miss him.

I don't want to just get through life, I want to enjoy it.. 

 I decided to take my medication. It feels weird knowing I'm relying on medicine to make myself feel better. I don't like to rely on things. 

I don't know what to do with myself. There are so many things I would like to do, like draw or play xbox games but I just end up sitting on my laptop or watching tv. I have so many things I could be doing but I can't be bothered. I just want my boyfriend back home.

 Day 7 Entry 1

It feels years since I started this diary. Time goes so slowly. I had another breakdown today. I don't understand. I spent the whole day with my friends and had a great time. As soon as I got back home, I started to feel it coming on. I went for a walk, I listened to happy music and watched my favourite shows. I was feeling ok for about 2 hours and then the depression came on completely. I wanted to run away. I phoned a helpline for an hour and I felt better. My parents told me to be honest about my depression, so when they got back they yelled at me.

They told me not to be so self-involved and self-pitying and I spoilt their night. I felt terrible. I have been trying to talk to my personal friends less and less and to people who are trained to help to take the pressure of my personal relationships. Why was I being punished for it?

I also had a falling out with my boyfriend. I texted him when he tried to phone in the middle of my phonecall to the helpline that I was too tired to talk and wanted to go to bed. He knows about my depression and saw the warning signs and tried to phone again. Then when I got off the phone, my parentscame in and got mad at me when I tried to text him saying I'll phone him later. I didnt finish the text and my parents didnt let me leave for about 30 minutes. He switched his phone off (which he never does) and refused to answer his landline for about an hour and was nearly crying when he finally answered. I feel like I am treating him badly and making him feel pressured. I hate making people feel bad because of the way I'm feeling. 

I'm about to start my anti-depressants. I can't feel this way for much longer.

 Day 5 Entry 2

Properly messed up that interview, but I didn't want it anyway. Had a good day today. I can't seem to stop watching Frozen Planet. It's incredible. Although, when I felt slightly down, I couldn't stop crying over baby penguins :( lmao! Keep strong guys.

Positives

Met up with friend

Getting a takeaway with dad for tea

Wine and hot-tub party later!

Negatives

None! FOR ONCE.

 Day 5 Entry 1

I have an interview later today and I'm so nervous for it. It's a lifeguard job and I should have studied the theory of lifesaving but everytime I think about sitting down and learning out of a book, I feel nervous. It seems that university has put a negative association to academic learning. I don't trust myself anymore. This cannot mean good things. Although I have time on my hands, I have so many things I need to do. I need to keep applying for jobs, learn to drive, do the chores to help out, do well at my job, clear out my room and do a massive pile of ironing. I need to get rid of this fear of studying by university next year.

Positives

Meeting friend for coffee tomorrow

Hot-tub party TONIGHT!!! 

Busy day

Only 1 week left until my boyfriend is back from university

Negatives

Job interview nerves

 Day 2 Entry 2

I got a job today which is great. I have an excuse to go out and do something productive.

Although I told my boyfriend about my job, and he didn't sound impressed at all. In the middle of the phonecall, he got interrupted and he said he would call me back. That was two hours ago. I'm so annoyed at him. 

 Day 2 Entry 1

Going to sleep happy

Tomorrows Goal

To have a proper belly laugh while watching favourite comedian on TV

Plan for Tomorrow

Get Job Seekers Allowance Money

Finish application for university

Go to the gym

Make dinner for parents

Apply for more jobs

Buy boyfriend a Christmas present.

Have a good night everyone. Don't let the night bring you down. It's hard to get to sleep with so many troubles but tomorrow could be the day it all turns around. Good luck and I'll see you all tomorrow.

 Day 1 Entry 4

So my mum came back from work shouting at me to make a change in my life. My parents are so worried about me but they are fed up. I just want to be myself around them, and not have to fake happiness around them like I do around my friends. Since I have been diagnosed, I've hardly been able to sit in my room and mope for a couple of hours. I usually cry the pain out and then go for a walk. That's how I deal with it, but they don't like me being alone. My mum threatened not allowing me to go to university next year unless I started to act happier. I couldn't believe it. She has depression herself and I thought she would understand how difficult it is to suddenly change. I only left university a month a go. I've come to terms with how s*** it was, and look forward to trying again. University next year is the only thing keeping me going and she is threatening to take it away. Why don't they understand? The only reason I am feeling this way is that I'm lonely and feel like my life has been put on hold. I just want to have my friends back or something useful to do to get a degree.

 Day 1 Entry 3

Can't stop crying. I hate my life. I just want to be at university with my friends next year. Why am I stuck here?  I know it can be a lot worse, and I could have abusive parents etc. I have a wonderful supporting family and everything going for me, and the finance to do anything I want. So why can't I enjoy my life? I feel so empty and pointless. I just want to hibernate until September next year. I can't escape my reality of boredom and worthlessness. 

Day 1 Entry 2

Shopping was a disaster. My dad tried his best to encourage me to buy things for my friends, but I feel so disconnected from them that I have no idea what to get them. When I'm at home, all I want to do is go out and do something. But when I'm outside, all I think about is going home to be safe. I don't know how to fix this.

I had a huge cry when I got back home and found out my gym class is cancelled tonight. Seriously? I shouldn't be this upset. I just wanted to cry from the moment I stepped out my house this morning. I can't be bothered making an effort to go out anymore.

That's pretty cool action plan!!  

lol I love this post! I am actually smiling. Sweet!