The world changes when you have been sexually....

By: nobodyreally
Mood: Tired
Date: Jul 05, 2013
Music: Doug Paisley- Wide Open Plain

So maybe not quite so literally, but it seems to. Its like a crack in a mirror, you still see a reflection of what is there, but just a different reflection to what other mirrors would show. Everything is the enemy. Everything is dirty and everyone has alterior motives underlying every tiny thing they do. All anyone thinks about is sex, even when they don't want to have it, they think about it. The world is a stinking abyss filled with selfish stinking people who are parasites to a world which we are destroying. Everything beautiful is either made that way by fat cats in offices with 3 holidays a year and 5 sports cars for doing very little, or is about to be destroyed by more fat cats who want to get even fatter. You see people differently, and even people you trust you don't REALLY trust anymore, because in the end they are people, and all people are inherently evil, no matter how much they try to be good. Everyone tries to hide their flaws and that just makes it worse. Why is it that being unusual and different is only cool when you are pretty??

Appearance really is everything isn't it. Your either not pretty enough or too pretty that every other person who walks past you makes some terrifying statement of attraction which makes you wrap your arms around yourself and shrink your lungs in on themselves as if to defend them inside the coil you create with your body.

Or maybe thats just me. I'm not at all sure.



From: MNcamper
July 6, 2013, 1:36 am

Really---You have written an extremely intensive blog for such a short one. You've had a couple guys comment so I thought it was time for a woman's perspective.

I kind of agree with you that the world changes when you've been sexually abused. I was sexually abused when I was a teenager and I know for sure it changed my world. It changed how I interacted with the world, the people around me. I was still dealing with denial and repression so I didn't even know what happened to me was real abuse until I was 21. But somewhere deep inside I knew something was wrong. Like I said, I changed my behavior and the world changed around me. I thought others had expectations of me that I was required to meet. And yes, one of those was sex.

I have been hospitalized a bunch of times but I had a long one in 1985...six years after my bout with abuse ended...and then it started to show it's ugly head. I had the most brilliant psychiatrist, but my denial was so strong, I later realized that I didn't even understand he was a psychiatrist. (I was really messed up). Once I was sitting in an office with him and I can't remember the whole conversation, and he didn't usually bring things up first, but this time he did. He said, "Do you think I'm going to have sex with you?" As I said, he was a brilliant, prominent psychiatrist who would never dream of crossing that line, but I said yes. "Isn't that my job? You meet a guy, get to know him, then better, then it's my job to have sex with him." Plain and simple.

What I didn't know, and took me quite a while to figure out, was that's not true. That's not my job. Even in marriage I have set rules that there are things that are not my job. And that man who caused me to look into that cracked mirror...he was a LIAR. He was the scum of the scum of the Earth. But for so long, and still once in a while (like even today) I feel that dirty feeling. I remember being in the shower trying to scrub myself to death to get rid of it. But that's not how we get rid of it. We are not dirty and scrubbing ourselves raw is not going to make a difference. He's the dirty one. He's the one who should be scrubbing in the shower...only for him, the dirt will never come off.

It's been my experience, and I've had to deal with this for a long time, and still have some issues, that sex is not an issue with everyone. I know you're thinking I'm full of sh*t, but hon, I've lived it. It's our perception of the world that has changed because of what's happened to us. I was told I was pretty. I was told I was ugly. I was told I was loved. I was told that no one would ever love me. Those are all lies from him.. I don't know what they would say in Wiccan, but in my faith, we are told that we are beautifully and wonderfully made. And whatever faith you are, I totally believe that. are beautiful and wonderfully made. It's someone else who's screwed with your head to make you see the world, and yourself, differently.

I want to respect your Wiccan faith but I know little about it. All I know, from my perspective, is that although the world is shaped by people, it is not made by people. And when we've been through the wringer like we have, it is hard to see those things that are still beautiful but they are there.

I used to think that, actually...were evil. I have seen medical notes from my doctor after that hospitalization and he wrote once that I had not pursued any "heterosexual relationships." Well, sure we worked on some things but that didn't mean I was ready to trust anyone with the real me. Ha...pretty much still aren't. It's that cracked mirror again that still shows its ugly head sometimes.

Depending on your level of Wiccan faith, if you believe in the God and Goddess, you know that they are the co-creators. It's not the "fat cats." Of course, those greedy businessmen like to do as they please, but I have faith that they will speak to someone some day for their actions. When I live in my small house, live paycheck to paycheck, have trouble getting food on the table and all that....I count on them being judged one day, whether you call it fate or something else.

Until that day, I...and you...have to throw away the cracked mirror because it is not a true concept of who you are. Your worth is not about what you first see in that mirror, is not about being pretty or not. Same goes for everyone else. Worth is defined by the being in the back of the mirror. For me as a Christian, it is God who defines my worth. I said today how worthless and  irrational I felt (and some other things) but that's just what I first see when I look in the mirror. But it does not define my true worth. I don't define my true worth. My God does. He says that I am beautifully and wonderfully made and will have life and have it abundantly. I really feel like those statements can cross over to other faiths.

Sometimes when I look in the mirror I feel pretty...other times I feel ugly. But it doesn't really matter because I am who I am, wholly defined by my creator, and that's just tough sh*t for the rest of the world because my creator knew what he was doing. I do not get statements of how pretty I am, except from my mom on my wedding day and how "nice I looked" at a nephew's wedding recently, so I don't worry about it.

And I certainly wasn't called pretty or cool in high school but I was unusual. I was "crazy Nancy" because I took chances...because then I saw the world differently like I talked about above. So, no, you don't get away from being unusual or different only when you're pretty. You get away with it just because you are unusual....better said...UNIQUE.

No matter what you look like, that is you and no one has the right to judge you...believe it or not that's absolutely true. No need to try and shrink your lungs on themselves. Uncoil your body so those of us who can really see you who you are, can see you. You're obviously intelligent and articulate and those are good qualities...though not necessary for us to befriend you in an honest and forthright way...without expecting anything in return. We'll do that anyway.

You ended your blog "Or maybe that's just me. I'm not at all sure." What that says to me is that there is hope inside of you. Hope that you can tell that cracked mirror and what it represents to go to hell. You can unlearn the things you were taught were true and find the real true you. If I can start doing it, you can too. And that's just a cliche, I think it's a fact.

I hope you stick around and keep writing. I read your blog earlier and wanted to respond but I wanted to mull it over a little first. You matter to me and that's why I wanted to be ready to respond to you. I don't know if anything has resonated with you but I hope you at least got one thing out of my long-windedness. Take good care, hon.


'Depression is also a form of fear, and at its deepest, it is also paralytic. It is as useless to ask a person immobilized by depression to summon the power of will as it is to bug a dance of a corpse.' Paul Gruchow, 'Letters to a Young Madman: A Memoir'

July 5, 2013, 9:19 pm

The way you can see things and others is from your own experience and how others react to you. Takes a broader perspective to have a balanced view. How you appear - if they don't know you then they just have an image of who they think you are. We find our nieches in life and ways of dealing with others. True that we adapt our behaviour according to how others treat us. If you can be strong thats good although being naturally a bit shy can mean that there will be a defference (adaptation) when around others.


We want what we don't have and don't appreciate what we have enough.

From: SteveH
July 5, 2013, 7:04 pm

Apparently she thinks I'm over-reacting.

All I can tell you is that the people I choose to hang around with aren't like that.


Never look down on someone, unless it is to help them up.

From: SteveH
July 5, 2013, 6:50 pm

"Both Sides Now" -- please listen.  I want my wife to talk to you, and I need to get her.


Never look down on someone, unless it is to help them up.