Depression

this is really difficult..where do i start?i'm a single mum to four sons,who are absolutely amazing,anyone will tell you that.i'm overwhelmed by tha emotional responsibility sometimes,not helped by 17 years of terrible housing issues(ongoing)&continual undiagnosed post-natal depression(although my youngest is 7 and i think thats over with)and complete lack of support from their fathers(yes,plural),i grew up feeling not quite part of it all&used to go off regularly to dig bottles in bottle dumps,find animal skulls,slow-worms in graveyards&watch hares boxing in tha very wildlands of Cornwall whilst my peers where playng with sindys&tinytears,got bullied at school a bit but i had a couple of friends who were also misfits with whom i could go scrumping with or make dens with in hay barns.my family moved us upto a small pit village in west yorkshire and then all tha crap really began,i'd never experienced racism before and that disturbed me deeply..and i became target number one,because i was a 'snob'because i had a southern accent but,conversely&hilariously ironicly,i was a 'gypo'because of my dark skin(i'm not really that dark anyhoo?)and gypsy-skirts&hand-knit jumpers,kids can be so very cruel!it was around tha time tha yorkshire ripper was afoot&virtually every bearded man was suspect at tha time so of course,tha kids at school took great delight in teasing me that it was my Dad.it wasn't just a couple of kids,but basicly,tha whole school.it doesn't sound that bad maybe but i really was like a fish out of water,but actually,writing this has actually made me realise that,be it a good or bad thing,i have&will always have an innate(and naive?)trust&faith in human nature&am CRUSHED everytime i am shown that it ain't necessarily so.that's all i can write for now but i'll continue in time xi was diagnosed with fibromyalgia 3years ago.its sh*t.i get anxiety attacks&i have confidence/self esteem'issues'....ive got some sort of universal faith inside me but i can't tell you what its called cos im not sure even tho its mine lol,i reckon its eclectic&all encompasing&based on spiritual truths&threads that run thru all faiths&religions..ya get meh?

woods&forests,woodpeckers,Native American culture,nature,cats,horses,cooking soulfood for family&friends,dancing,watching people having a good time,nice sneggley blankets,trialbikes,growing veg,vegetating('i'm in deep thought.')roses(english,scented)brutal honesty(it doesn't mess with my intuition)candid people,even if they're not on my wavelength,good manners,buzzin&being inspired by other peoples creativity&ingenuity,walking barefoot whenever possible,feeling accepted,feeling happy enough with myself to not care if i'm not,learning to stand up for myself...i will add to this list as i go...apricots.sesame street ,i really miss it.tattoos.they are addictive.chocolate(when im pre-menstrual)its gotta be dairymilk tho.i totally get a buzz when i have a mix-down mash-up wax-windathon with a couple of close friends-we all bought decks around tha same time.

figrolls.b******t.television(tha drug of tha nation,breeding ignorance&feeding radiation-thanks Mr.Franti)traffic,trains,general humanmade din,rubbish weather,litterbugs,people hoo don't clean up their dog's doo,misuse&abuse of apostrophes,smalltalk,myself sometimes,perFUMES that give one a headache on a crowded bus-eg.poison(indeed)by christian dior,crap MC's hoo chat thru a mix&don't even own their own mic.guilt,that big stick i beat myself up with,my self criticism.i really try hard to not hate anyone or anyting..its a helluva waste of energy and if i don't like something or someone then i just don't have it in my life..apart from obviously there are certain people in your life that you might have to compromise your integrity for,like kid's other parent or dodgy muv-in-law or watev....erm..bullies,arrogance,certain words-especially'genre'(cringe)also when people say'ECKcetera',ESPECIALLY ON RADIO 4!!!!!that does me in!centipedes,submarines&penny-farthings(past-life memories,i'm sure)euro trance music,people with no talent who get famous because their parents are,slugs and snails for their relentless decimation of my horticultural efforts,cliches,people singing jingles from tv adds thinking they're funny,feeling smothered,possessiveness,competitiveness,my clumsiness,my guilt(that half of doesn't even belong to me).....racism,sexism(all tha neg.human'isms').....intolerance-ha.i could go on.......bad hair days.BAD rabbit days.smalltalk.that moose on tha wall of tha banana splits house.still scares tha sh*t out of me.clowns&people dressed in'character' costumes,apathy,complacency(in myself&others)having tha horrible conflicting feelings of cabin fever/agoraphobia(please,can anyone offer any insight??)im really not liking cold dark early morns& especially havin to chivvy my warm sleepy kids from their snuggly beds to get them to school.

hmmm.i'm very eclectic when it comes to music...i love me drum&bass,reggae&dub reggae,breakbeats,Foo Fighters,Cypress Hill,i LOVE Spearhead!i bought a Noel Coward(live in Nevada)vinyl from a charidy shop and its great to play on a rainy afternoon when i'm pottering around at home..i also love Alison Krauss when i'm feeling partic.melancholy...kate bush,the kinks,beastie boys,de la soul,

women who run with wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes-i would recommend this fantastic book to any woman of any age,anything with a metaphysical content,anything by Doreen Virtue,Barbara D'Angelis,i don't get much time to read,esp.novels but i love Isabelle Allende's anthropological sagas.....its a shame that reading is such a luxury these days :(

The Shawshank Redemption,The Green Mile,School of Rock,Clerks 1,Children of Men,Harry Potter films.....&im in love with Spongebob,i love sitting with my kids&havin a good giggle.

gardening,writing lyrix,DJ-ing,i mix liquid emotional drum&bass-and yes!i mix vinyl only!i make my own basement-breaks/dubsteppy/trip-hoppy tunes with cubase&fruityloops...will try to get some tunes up on my profile so's yous all can have a listen if you like.writing poetry/lyrix...i've been given tha honour of designing&creating a rose garden here in Penzance's own Morrab Gardens...a place of peace&tranquility!i don't know if i can really commit to that with tha way things are at tha mo&all my freetime goes into making music which is tha other most important thing in my life,after my boys.random episodes of feral musical mischief.trying to work out why i Just Am(in italics)i also play a bit of rythmn guitar&sing.don't have much time for reading but i really enjoy reading to&with my kids.