“In three minutes, 98 percent of all the matter there is or will ever be has been produced. We have a universe. It is a place of the most wondrous and gratifying possibility, and beautiful, too. And it was all done in about the time it takes to make a sandwich.” - Bill Bryson
I am a 36 year old mother of two boys - 8 and 5 and I have suffered with depression, anxiety and OCD for as long as I can remember. I have recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder also.
Prozac kept it all under control along with some therapy until the birth of my second child in 2003. Everything instantly got worse and the depression became very severe, ultimately leading to three separate hospital stays, one of which was enforced due to the fact that I had taken an overdose. I instantly regretted this but have since felt many times that I wish I could die.
I had two courses of ECT in America where I lived at the time which seemed to help for a while and I saw two different therapists - which did not help. I have been on lots of different drugs for over 5 years now.
I have lived back in Scotland for 3 years - we moved back due to my condition as I couldn't look after the children and we ran out of money to pay for a nanny. Since moving back I cannot work and have no friends as I am too scared to go out and meet people. I have no self-confidence any more.
I've just finished 4 months at the Priory as an in and then out-patient. I felt really positive when I finished, I've stopped smoking and self-harming but now I feel as if I'm slipping back down into depression and bingeing. I've got that horrible isolated feeling - I'm in by myself most of the day, I don't work, still don't really
have any friends and I guess I'm beginning to panic. I don't know what to do with the rest of my life and feel kind of lost. I was thinking about doing an Open University course but feel that there's not much point as I'll only fail again as I've failed at most things I've tried. As I have 2 kids, one of whom has special needs, I can't let myself get back to the state I was in over the past 5 years.
I know my recovery is down to me now and I have the CBT tools I need to help me but I can't seem to motivate myself.
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