Depression

I am a 36 y o female who is struggling right now, reaching out for any glimmer of hope, and desperate to find answers. I have three kids, 14 yo female, 10 y o boy, and 13 y o boy. Love them to death, dont have alot of friends, dont trust many people, been hurt too many times, divorced four times, 1st one we were too young, 2nd one didn't care about anyting but wanting to be a cop, third one name (chirs) is now living with me again, (will explain later) 4th one lasted 13 days because he wanted a wife, and family, but lots of young girlfriends. I love someone i cant be with, and grieve over him daily, he was younger than me by 5 years, had a son, and was prone to violence. We argued, we fought physically and two years into our relationship we got into a fight, I got scared, and after him pointing a gun at me several times, I pulled the gun out, we wrestled over it, it went off he was shot! He survived a shot to the stomach with a 40 cal, with minimal nerve damage and hip pain. We lived together three more years, without incident, and then one night we had a blow up and i asked him to leave. I regret that to this day. we were fighting over the kids, I reached out to take his keys he lunged to grab them, my nose got hit by accident and he ended up serving time for it. I moved two hours away and tried to start over, but couldn't, and after a year came home back to chris to try it again for the kids. He moved into my trailer which had been rented but was now empty. things were good for about two months and then his "needs" got the best of him, and he ended up sleeping with the babysitter who i loathed while we were in school together! She really is the town tramp, literally it killed me! I had given up my own happiness to ensure my children's happiness and he was walking all over me! I bought a new modular home, we were moving out of the park and starting over again. But he changed his mind and decided not to go, leaving me in huge debt and alone to make it with the kids! I toughened up and told myself i could do it, i lost my dear aunt, and for six months i survived without any help. Chris wanted to move in, so i let him, but he didn't help out financially so after a huge fight he left me again. Three months later he came back and has been here now almost two years. Two months after he moves in, my dad who is an alcholic and a vietnam vet has to move in. His health was failing and he couldn't be alone anymroe. So I moved him in and quit working so much to do his errands and appointments, while keeping my own affairs, chris's affairs, as well as school up! I am a medical examiner, which means i travel doing blood and ekgs for people who apply for insurance. So there isn't a lot of work now due to the economy and that is causing me problems. Dad got his act together for like 5 months and did good, then decided to go to my sisters. There are jealousy issues with her too, things are real bad between us right now over all this crap. He started a major war between us last summer, and things continued on a down hill slide. He came home in september again, and within two weeks he started a huge fight here in my house, and usually Chris who is mild mannered and very quiet, lost his temper and told him to leave and stay gone if this is how it was going to be so for three months he was gone! In novemeber work slacked off for chris and things began to get bad between us. He had taken a job march 08 working in three states away in pennsylvania monday thru friday. This was good for us, the time apart made us realize that we wanted to be together and we quit taking things for granted. Slowly things improved between us. Then in late november once i began to rest easy, they sent them home to work here for half the pay for two weeks only. It ended up being for seven weeks, straight through christmas and we struggled bad! I bought christmas gifts with a gift card from work he got on christmas eve! It was sad, but we got through it. Jan 1 they sent the back to work and told us there was 20 years worth of work, he worked seven days a week for three weeks, we didn't see him, then suddenly they sent them back here for a week, that week became 2 then three, on the fourth week, the brought them home indefinately. Im glad he is here, but it was hard to get used to him being in the house gain, and give up over three grand a month! Well in jan dad came back again, and for two months things were peaceful. In may dad went off again, now keep in mind in nov he had been caught drinking and driving, and went to jail for the night, then lost his license! So that added more running on me! But at the same time, the stress of him driving and possibly hurting someone was gone! He quickly became frustrated, and got really demanding! I was managing the same amount of stress with lots of less help! In may we went to my sisters and camped, then that evening he shoved my son down three steps and said my son wouldnt move. This caused a war. Two hours later while i am at the store, my kids call me screaming telling me hes hit my house and caved in the foundation and said he was trying to drive away! I came home, we had a huge fight, and my sister said she couldnt' do anything but talk to him. she lives an hour and half away and just basically dumps it all in my lap! Her husband drinks like a fish, and she also has three kids to deal with! but she is also very hateful and demeaning to me. so he settles down, and things smooth out again. Well three weeks later the very first day school is out, he gets into a huge arguement with my kids while i am at work, and he decided to call his sister to come get him and take him to a hotel! He goes to a bar closeby and drinks! Then calls me the next day to come get him! I took him to my sisters that very night and hes been there ever since June 13th. He plays us against each other, talks about them while he is here, and us while he is there. Its caused a lot of hard feelings, and then things go even further south! My boys wanted to go spend a week down there with my sister and her kids. So I let them go and I plan on cleaning house and doing a huge yard sale! I get busy cleaning and clean out my storage bldg starting on a monday. That evening on my second trip, the truck breaks down on me. It was a simple fix, so then tuesday everything goes good! Wednesday the truck breaks again, but its major! Two wreckers come to tow it home for me, as i was hauling a trailer also, and had to have it towed too! We call the dealership, come to find out it was two days out of our warranty period! After some dealing and arguing, the dealership goes 50 50 with us, which still leaves us owing 1100 dollars! So at this point, our electric bill, the house payment, the car payment, the water, the insurance and the truck pymt is behind. now we have to come up with all those plus the 1100 to fix the truck! I have a small vw bug, and there isn't room for 5 in it, so my boys had to stay at my sister's house until i could get the truck home. 17 days later i get them home, and my niece and nephew come back to my house with them! They stayed three days, and things go south again! my niece is 11 and she is boy crazy! Texting 18 year olds and then the smart mouth comes into play! while i was at a friends house with all 5 kids, and her niece and daughter was there too, they are in the pool playing, and suddenly my niece is dishing crap out but cant take it! She calls her daddy crying saying everyone is being mean to her, and there is a huge blowup! My sister steps in and tells him to shut up and calm down, they were kids. When i met her halfway yesterday to take them home, my niece gets a severe attitude, and then i find out today that the reason she got hurt (pulled under water roughly) was because she had started the crap! She left fingerprints in one of the other kids throats! I called my sister and told her this, and she got an attitude with me! Said she had gotten three different stories, and she was mad about it! Shortly after that i checked my mail, found some very important papers for dad and called to tell him that! He has trouble hearing to start with, so there was alot of background noise and i tell him to call me later, when he can talk and its quiet. Either him, or one of the kids tells my sister i said for him to call me when hes alone, and she goes nuts! she thinks I am calling him to discuss her daughter's actions, and she goes off on me. We had words, she acussed me of talking trash to my best friend about her. Well seems her daughter has went home and told things that weren't true to take the heat off of herself! We had a huge fight, and now tonite I am upset about this. I love my sister, my dad and of course my nieces and nephew. But i am sure she thinks its all my fault, and everyone's fault but her daughters! I am so tired of dealing with all of this! I am tired of dealing with dad, his issues, not having work, and money, having to deal with chris on a daily basis, my house not being clean, my nerves being torn to bits all the time, the kids, and the stress of everyday life! I had a dear friend ( we used to date in high school) but reamained friends all these years in a severe car wreck last month. He is a state trooper, very friendly and outgoing! Chris was first one to reach him, he is on fire dept, they cut him out, flew him to a trauma center. Thought he wasn't going to make it, but he did. his name is Frank, I texted him letting him know we were praying for him, to let us know if he or his family needed us. Then we spoke two and half weeks ago once he was home and recovering nicely. Talked a few minutes, discussed our favorite pastime, bingo, and then hung up. He asked me let him know about the big bingo games coming up and i said i would. Sent him a text last saturday telling him the location, cost, time and jackpot amounts, nothing more. Get a text back telling me he doesn't want his fiance upset, to please dont text him anymore. I was crushed! This is someone who has always been super nice to me, and always hugged me everytime he has seen me! His son dated my daughter off and on for two years, but his fiance is evidentally jealous! I was crushed! i cried, and cried and cried for days! The state of my mental health is pitiful at best, dangerous even! I cant take the simple things anymore! I dont' have health insurance, cant go get meds or counselling. I am having blood sugar problems, and lots of chest pain (have a bad heart valve) have already had  a very  minor heart attach two years ago, before all of this started. last month had severe back pain, went to er was turned away for lack of insurance. i find myself wanting to drink liqour and take sleeping pills and go to bed. I do one or the other, mostly the sleeping pills and try to sleep. But due to hot flashes and night sweats i dont sleep much! Icould stay up all night long whene its peaceful, and then sleep all day! I find myself avoiding people. and all places! I cant even go to walmart without wanting to hurt somebody for stupid reasons! I have no patience at all! dont enjoy anything anymore, have no motivation, and now think i may not finish college! I have given up on my dream of being a helicopter pilot and flight nurse! I dont want to clean my house, or my car, i want to shut the door and tell my kids to stay away. I need advice! Our relationship here is suffering, both physically and emotionally. I do love chris, but not the forever kind of love. I believe when our youngest is grown and out of the house we will go our seperate ways. I love the person i cant have, and he loves me, but he thought when i moved i was gone forever and he remarried. He calls me daily, says he doesn't love her, and we see each other. But he wont move across the state line (less than 15 miles) to live in my house with me and the kids. when we were together i didnt' have this stress! He kept me away from my family, and i turned my back on the drama and them to a point. We spoke, we visited, but he was quick to tell them to ease up on me and they didnt' like it, or him. i walked away from the only happiness i had ever known, because of my family and now this is how they treat me. I am trying to ignore him and make this work with chris, but it gets harder every day! i cant find any pleasure in getting out of bed and want to sleep all day. is there any suggestions out there? I  need some help despreately, but cant afford to get it. I am literally at the end of my rope, I find myself thinking of how it would be easier for chris and the kids to go on without me. I found myself making a list of my friends and family that would come to my funeral, and even wrote my own obituary. I hated the idea of dying, but now its almost a comforting thought.