<3 Matt. (13/11/12)
Me in a bubble: I am a determined woman, with a dream. I work 4 part time jobs, it keeps me very busy!! But there are times when I don't have work to do, this is where I struggle..
job no1 – self employed painter and decorator.
Job no2 – work for another self employed decorator ( old college apprentice job).
Job no.3 – sports center, cafe girl at weekends.
job no.4 – Chinese restaurant waitress in the evenings. ( just started, its posh!!)
and some more exciting news! I'm moving out in a few weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!FINALY.
I'm worse in the evening..after work and everything. And when i do have time off i've often felt suicidal. Of course I get stressed at work, but I have a very achievement based personality. Full day at work = achievement. 5K run at gym = achievement,but recently i've been raising the bar a little and its completely exhausting me!! but I wont stop. I can't stop.
Rewind -
I didn't have an easy childhood, my dad admitted he wasn't ready for a kid, and i've recently found out my mum had post natal depression with me. My dad didn't stick around much to help my mum. My little brother came along when I was 3, I automatically got set aside. So I learnt to be independent from a young age.
I hated school, I was ridiculously shy at primary school, my mum sent me to a different secondary school miles away from everyone else for a fresh start thinking it would help. But I wasn't happy there, I was bullied badly year 7-9, during this time I developed sever panic attack so I had some time off, and sick days 'cos I felt so overwhelmed with the anxiety.
My dad spoke up when he found out I didn't do too well in my exams, and was disappointed I didn't get into sixth form. So he forced me to go to college where I did a media course (waste of my time). I only did one year, I didn't have the confidence like all the other students, and it involved a lot of videoing so I started skipping those days. Thankfully I passed that year, but I couldn't carry on lying to my dad that I enjoyed it. So I ''worked for a year'' I told my parents I had a full time job, but truth was I didn't get that job, so I did a few odd shifts here and there. I kept this up for around a year, then I went behind my parents back and applied for a painting&decorating course at the college. I was determined to make a change, I came across confident in the interview and I stuck at it for 3 years! Even got myself a job out of it! It wasn't easy though, a majority of the students were male, and they all seemed to smoke and drink, so I moulded myself to fit into awkward situations, but I think I managed it quite well.
Second year was traumatic, I was sexually abused by an older student – he took full advantage of me being a female. My teacher provoked it, at first I liked the attention but this 'man' took it too far! It started off with a friendly hug, and it developed into a grip I couldn't get out of. He would force me into a small room in the workshop, he was physically stronger than me so I had no way of stopping it. I never reported him, but i've spent the last 2 years regretting it.
I've recently been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
My therapist is a lovely lady who has helped me in more ways than one! I've been seeing her for around 9 months. I'm most thankful as she helped me to explore my creative side, i've shown her a lot of my work, drawings, poems and photography are my favourites.
I've fallen in love, had my heart stomped all over and broken, lost my closest friends due to my own difficulties, still struggling with self harm and suicidal urges, been refereed through countless doctors/counsellors, been hospitalized twice after taking an overdose of paracetamol and severe self harm, I am recovering well physically but my head is still in a muddle..
Every hour of every day is a constant battle, I never allow myself to stop anymore in case I do something stupid! So I try to stay as busy and active as I can to fill the time.
Self harm is a daily struggle for me... it used to be just cutting but now I take regular overdoses. I still don't feel like i 'achieved' - I've tried to stop, for matt- but i still feel the constant need to punish myself, even over silly things. I am trying to cut down, and teaching myself to notice my good moments.
I was with a guy who I thought I was in love with for 3 years, the first part was great, but it went downhill..and I blame myself entirely. He was a very controlling person, I let him control me. I wasn't allowed to see my friends, not allowed to work on his days off coz it would 'ruin everything' I wasn't allowed to talk about my issues coz it just 'depressed him'. It ended horribly, he took me on holiday to africa, thinking it would fix everything. It didn't – it tore everything apart! Coz it was hot there I was wearing my bikini most of the time.. which I was self conscious in enough!! I hate my body! But yeah he didn't say anything until we got home but he'd seen my cuts and scars..he knew I was mentally ill.. his words < grr. So needless to say our 'relationship ended soon after. I never told him how I felt tho which is something i'll always regret.
The day i joined the gym was probably the best thing i could of done for myself at the time. I think of it as 'my place, where i can go to get away' i go pretty much everyday to 'let my rawr out' otherwise i feel myself getting tense and angry. It doesn't erase my bad thoughts but it eases the initial pain. I'm currently training for a 5K running event that's happening on June 19th..
i'm also an aspiring photographer, if you have time please take a look at my work:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/naomiharris1991/
