"Each breath breathed is keeping hope alive."

JOB: Student
RELIGION: Not Religious
MEMBER SINCE: December 3, 2012
POINTS: [ 270 ]
GENDER: Female
LOCATION: Australia
AGE: 25
VIEWS: 145
LAST LOGIN: 02.20.16

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Hi there, I'm Michelle and I'M A SELF-HARMER, I'm 25 and live in Australia.
I have been diagnosed with Bipolar) And suffer anxiety attacks. I wouldn't say I've had a bad childhood. I would say it was hard. I have an older Brother with Asperger's Syndrome and his a handful/pain in ass. When he gets upset he goes into a rage and starts yelling and swearing. That mainly happens when he doesn't win on his video games or if he can't eat something (long story) but he gets quite angry and throws tantrums and get's in a foul mood and brings everyone's mood down. He gets abusive sometimes. He has threaten to stab me with a knife & he has chased me around the house with one. He hasn't succeed as of yet. Sometimes I wish he actually had. I don't see/speak to my Dad anymore his an F*** head. (excuse my language) But he wasn't a good Father. He was never around when I needed him the most. Especially when I was getting bullied at school. I never had someone to run to and talk to or cry on someone's shoulder. I guess I've had to be independent on my own because I wasn't going get anything from my parents. Growing up I didn't get as much attention from my Mum as I would of liked/needed or hoped for. (not being greedy or selfish). She mainly spent her time paying attention to my Brother. I wonder if I was paid more attention would I still be this way. Depressed and not wanting to leave my room and cutting myself up. To be honest I cant accept my Brother for who he is. As much as I try I just for some reason can't. I'm not being selfish (like my Mother says I am) I don't know what it is but there's something I just can't explain or whatever. I don't have many friends. I NEVER get invited to ANYTHING. I might catch up with a friend once a month or longer then that. So I just stay at home and watch movies. When I was 17 I got into drugs and was really independent with them. I knew they wouldn't hurt me like some people have. They made me like myself as a person. I always felt safe when I had them like nothing could hurt me. It made everything feel better. A friend of mine gave me some pills one day and I didn't know what they were so I swallowed them all with alcohol and it knocked me out. I don't remember the rest of the night. I have no memory after that. I was in Rehab for a bit but the staff there said it wasn't the right place for me. They weren't willing to give me a chance. I have been "Self-Harming" since I was 15. I feel like it's the only thing I have to live for. And that's keeping me alive or sane. Sounds weird right. But I don't have a great relationship with my Mum or my Brother. I really only have 1 friend. Nothing else makes me happy or feel like I'm alive. This makes me feel good about myself. I got this quote from a movie "You do your talking on you're skin"and in someway it's true. I can't talk to anyone. I chock up and no words come out but mumble jumble. So this is talking for me. I don't trust people. People screw you over. I'm not worth it anyway. I am currently studying at the moment to become a carer. I'm not gonna pass. Like this was just a big mistake and I'm wasting people's time and energy and I'll never do anything with my life. I'll never gonna amount to anything. I want to prove to people and myself that I can do this but the voice in my head always wins. Other then that I'm a friendly person if people would give the time and day. I've always been loyal to my friends. If you wanna know anything else about me feel free message me. I would love chat.
You need to remember this" I'm one of those people that you can only handle in small doses"
When I'm having a good day I can get quite loud and crazy. I have a wild personality. I know a lot of things I have said were never negative but when i'm with my Residents (Nursing Home) I am very positive and uplifting. I have been told that I brighten people's day. And that's the best gift I could EVER receive. But I hold a LOT of negativity inside and I need to release it.
And thank you so much Guys for taking the time out to read this. :) That means a lot to me. STAY STRONG & REMEMBER YOU ARE ALL SO VERY BEAUTIFUL. NEVER EVER LOSE YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL SMILE OF YOURS. xx

I love to watch movies. It's kind of an escape for me. I get so sucked into whats on the tv and it makes me forget everything. I like to read when I get the chance. I love "Non-Fiction" books. I can really understand them more and get stuck into it.
I wouldn't so much as say I "like" studying. I just really want to it end. Just give me my certificate and qualifications and i'll be done.
Music is a huge part of my life. Without it I feel like I wouldn't be alive. It's kinda like a lung or a heart. Without it you'd be dead.
Oh and sleep! I LOVE my sleep. It's just a bit of extra time to myself. And a bit piece and quiet for a few hours from my Mum & my Brother. If you try to take it away from you I will SNAP!! I'm not very nice an bubbly then. It's best you stay on my good side. Because you probably wont make it out alive.
Smoking.... It literally makes me a nicer person and more fun to hang out it and it's also very soothing & mellow.
And I LOVE LOVE LOVE chocolate!!! <3 Love at first site/glance.

My Brother's tantrums. OH MY GOD! Don't get me started. I hate people nagging AND repeating themselves. That pushes my buttons. My Mother has a BAD case of doing that. She goes on and on and on and on and on. Don't get me wrong I love my Mum but she doesn't understand things. If you wanna talk to her about problems or personal things. I HIGHLY recommend you NOT to do that. I can't explain what she's like. If I do try to tell her something she takes it the wrong way and gets sh*tty at you. I don't really know how to explain it. I have to admit the way she reacts to things gets me so angry and upset that I have to cut myself because of her. I know I shouldn't blame her but it's what she does. I've closed myself off from my friends and family. I push them away. I don't know how to talk to anyone anymore.
Another one of my pet peeves is: MESS! I can't stand it! It gives me a headache.
And B.O (Bad Oder) *retches, vomits, gags, hurl* You know when you stink. Ewwww!!
My friends...... I don't EVER hear from them or speak to them. I'm a nuisance to them and I know it. Why else wouldn't they contact me? I don't message them anymore because I was the only doing it. So it's about f@cking time they contacted me first. (Which will never happen) Is it weird that I still think of them as friends?
There will be more added later.

[This member only allows comments from his/her friends.]

March 18, 2013, 8:04 pm
Hi Snowle ~ been missing your presence. Hope everything is okay. ((HUGS)) ~ Keya
 photo rabbitpancake_zpsd1d17c39.jpg


Learning to be grateful while existing with illness

January 31, 2013, 10:29 am

Learning to be grateful while existing with illness

January 17, 2013, 1:09 pm

Learning to be grateful while existing with illness

January 1, 2013, 9:19 am
I hope this year brings you great things!


Learning to be grateful while existing with illness

December 31, 2012, 3:45 am

Learning to be grateful while existing with illness

Everything but Blues, Jazz, Opera,
Favorite Bands/Artist Include:
Linkin Park,
Drowning Pool,
Hollywood Undead,
Carrie Underwood,
Miley Cyrus,
Demi Lovato,
Reba McEntire,
The Dixie Chicks,
Katy Perry,
More too come. Stay tuned.

I love Cathy Glass books.
Cut, Damaged, The Saddest Girl In The World.
I only read Non-Fiction books.
There more of an inspiration and easy to get into and understand.

Girl Interrupted,
Augusta Gone,

Law & Order SVU
Desperate Housewives
All Saints,
Modern Family,
The Brady Bunch,
Black Books,
Big Rich Texas,
Embarrassing Bodies,

Reading a good book, watching movies that I can get lost in, Shopping (a way to get away from your Family) Working (I help out a couple of days a week in a Nursing Home) it's a good thing because like they say "you can't take your problems to work, leave it at the front door" I can escape from problems.
Ah I wouldn't so much as say Friends. What can I say but "what friends" I only catch up with 1 friend literally. Like once every month or every 2 months or something. Great "friends" I have.
Eating chocolate.

March 8, 2013, 12:38 am

December 14, 2012, 2:46 am
December 10, 2012, 7:42 am
December 7, 2012, 1:06 am
December 5, 2012, 11:33 am