For all the people who know me, i did that stupid and cowardly attempt a little while back, damaged my liver etc and am still here with the same frustrations. Taking new meds to control my Biopolar and havent cut for a while so a suppose things are ok. After reading some peoples thoughts of me being selfish to my son and wife, i have had time to reflect. My wife has forgotten my attempt already and has fallen into making the same old arguements and demands as before and is making life again so awkward. Then there is my gorgeous son, i love him with every breath i make, i worship him but then my dilemma. The meds are working sort of, yes, but the scars from my cutting, the obvious scars on my wrists (six in all), my eyes not ever again to be a healthy white due to my body deteriation and then my mind. Ups, downs, ups downs, panic attacks, paranoia, memmory loss, suicidle thoughts. Again, why was i selfish to attempt to kill myself, does my son really want to see all this. Does he want to get to know the fallen father or have people tell him good stories of when he was well. Selfish, i think not, my son should be with someone who can teach him good things, someone strong minded not weak, someone who can walk down a street without having paranoid seisures. My shrink thinks i am very complex, more like he is unable to help, i get more help from this site to be honest, i can talk to people who really know rather than a book worm. My scientific mind is always in overdrive, i swear to all that reads this, i am only calm and relaxed when i help others, it saves me from my madness, my star sign, my duel identity. My health is sooo bad, but i dont care, i just want my son to not have my ailments, but i think more and more from anallisiing him that he will do so i have to be around to help him when it starts. How the hell can i when i dont understand myself. I cant get my true feelings out on paper, i am a person to person man, but when i offer help it is deemed that i want something. Is this what the world has become. I was once a Deep Coal Miner, where people helped one another but then came back into the world, a selfish world were someone cant offer their help without a alteria motive. Jesshhh. The tangents of my mind. Always asking questions. To all the people who know me, dont worry i not ever gonna try and kill myself again. I a failure at it, 4 times i have failed, its a joke. But one thing i have learned on my reflection of recent happenings, I AM NOT SELFISH!!!!!
I am me, take it or leave it, no bull, just straight forward, no s**t me. By helping you if you'll let me, you are actually helping me.
