I feel myself on the edge of despair and sorrow once again. I wish my thoughts would leave me in peace, if just for a little while. Just when I was starting to look at the bright things in life and not feel so pessimistic, my thoughts come back and drag me down into the abyss again.
Well, it began when I was with Mike on Thursday...Actually I think it was the night before that because I was on the phone with him just talking and then I kept having the thought that I was bored with him and felt like I was stuck in something I didn't want, which I think stems from the fact that Mike isn't really doing anything with his life but working and I guess that bothers me. But anyway, on thursday I went over to his apartment after my final and we were just relaxing and playing around when I accidentally called him Josh in my head...Josh is the name of my ex who was an asshole and I have no idea why I thought of him. But it kept happening and the voice in my head kept replacing his name with Josh and it was like I couldn't stop myself. So I spent most of the day feeling horrendously guilty and having to cover it up because I didn't want him to know I was having these thoughts. They just kept getting worse and worse until I was thinking things like "He looks like a Josh" and "Why can't his name be Josh?" and I just wanted to die. I love Mike with all my heart so I don't understand why I am thinking of this guy who hurt me and used me and broke my heart. Am I still angry about that fight we had and the way he treated me? I thought we resolved that. I thought I had forgiven him. Could my emotions be fooling me?
I wish things would go back to the way they were...
