"It doesn't get any better than this...."

Mood: Other
Date: Mar. 12, 2011

I really hate myself, and I really would prefer to die. People have accidents every day. Why can't I? Maybe I'm just a coward. I've tried so many times, usually throug overdose, but never do because I take jst enough to where you could flip a coin whether I'll make it. And I still do. Why don't I make sure I take a lethal dose? Why can't I even do that right? I truly feel; that I am the scurge of humanity sometimes. I should be unwanted. Maybe that's what I want. Everyone thinks I'm so perfect and most want to be with me, but I won't give anything a chanvce. I really want to end it. I'm not a person to know. I'm unforgiven, unrepentive, and there isn't any redemption no matter how hard I try. I sant to be at peace............No matter what happens I love you all and really do know what you go through.


From: MissBe
March 19, 2011, 7:23 pm

Catching up on blogs a week later.  Read this and had to flip to your profile to see if you're returned since you wrote this.  Thank god you have. 

I suspect many of us here have felt as you do - wishing for an accident, taking the responsibility of life/death out of our own hands.  I was shoveling snow this winter wishing against all odds that I'd have a massive heart attack and the agony that is my life would finally be over.  No such luck. 

I don't want to kill myself.  I just don't want to be alive most of the time.  And I always wish I'd never been born.  I can't imagine what it's like to live being happy that you're alive.  Maybe someday we'll understand that.  Who knows?  In the meantime, I'm glad you're still around.  More than "enough" people here have disappeared in the few short months that I've been here on DT.  Scares the hell out of me.  And depresses me.


'...and the wisdom to know the difference.'