"It doesn't get any better than this...."

Mood: Other
Date: May. 14, 2011

I don't know what to write. I thought things were getting better. I've been off the meds for a while. Probably not good. I came close to ending it all a little while ago. I got into trouble a few years ago, and I have to keep going to pay it off. I'm bipolar, but the worst type. It's hitting me so hard tonite. I really thought things were getting better. I was always considered a computer genius. I always try to do the right things

Last nite, I saw a fire, I stopped when I saw the smoke. I was going to bust down the door to make sure there was no one inside. These kids came, this girl gets out, and this guy gets out and throws her to the ground and punches her in the face and tells her to get into the car. I tried to ask them if everything was okay. They saw me and squeeled the tires getting away. The cell wouldn't get through to 911, so I went home and called. This morning, it was closed off with yellow tape and cops everywhere. My friend talked me into calling the cops, and I did, but they already knew I was the only witness and they knew everything about me. Other friends say I shouldn't have called and just let it burn, and now that I found out there was no one inside, I wish I hadn't either. They'll be coming to talk to me, but the defense will juset rip me to pieces for my disorder.

What I'm getting at, is that I'm all heart, but I feel everything. All the bad. It hurts so bad, I just want it to stop. But no one can make it stop. I can't, and neither can drugs or the doc, who I told to do things that aren't physically pssible, and where she could put the meds. Depository?

What it comes down to is I have no one. I'm scared this time, and it's hard for me to say that, because I know what I'm going to do. I can't stop me, and there's no else who will either. I've been thrown out of my family until I can admit that I'm making it up. Have been for years. I've helped so many, and now there's nobody. I used to do and be so much, now I'm nothing, and I can't live with it. I'm drunk now and I took a few pills I had from when I caught fire a couple of months ago. I know I'll be okay, but it's getting so intense, I know it's over this time, and I really am sorry I'm such a coward. I don't know how much longer I can keep goiong. I won't stop trying, but it's like running on a dead battery.