"It doesn't get any better than this...."

Mood: Don't know
Date: Aug. 21, 2011

Had kind of a rough week this week. Hospitalized again. Went into one of those mixed episodes again. I thought seeing a friend would help, but she was really depressed and went to sleep. I got some alcohol and went into the woods where I chugged quite a few then started to cut my wrist. I backed out and decided to go home and get to a phone. Right at the end of my driveway I got pulled over. There's been a few B&E's in the area and my description was given. I've never stolen anything in my life. Anyway, to make a long story short, another DWI and the officer that pulled in to pick me up was one of four officers that pulled me years ago under similar circumstances and broke one of my kidneys. I told him to please not bring me to jail, I really needed to get to a hospital immediately. I never told anyone what they did when they said I had an accident. He said I could see a doc at the jail. I told him they wouldn't let me and he knew it. I told him I would be dead before dawn.  I also told him that what I would do is make it really easy. I would run and pick up an object and wave it around and he could just shoot me dead. He's be a hero and he wouldn't need three other officers to do it. He said it was like the other officers said, I had an accident. Again, I told him I never told anyone. He just said that he was really sorry and that he didn't do it to me, but gave me the impression he knew who did. I had internal bleeding for two weeks over it. Flashbacks of it made things worse and I undid the handcuffs and took my keys and cut my wrist. He got them away from me before I could finish. He brought me to a hospital and I got commited. So now I'm under court order to take my meds and if convicted of DWI face a year in prison and almost certain death. I don't know that I want to go through with it anymore. I just can't do it anymore