me and my husband are truly over. i believe i have found evidence of him cheating on me. i was over to his house yesterday to drop off mail (he was not there) and i still have a key to get in. actually it is my house too because i am on the deed. i have confronted him about it and of course he skirts around the questions and will not answer them. he just tries to get the topic on something else. since he has been back from afghanistan we have not seen each other. nor have we had sex in 3 months. and this is not by my choice, he is the one that was apprehensive about sleeping with me. his whole attitude was a "red flag" also and why i thought he was cheating on me awhile ago. plus, he doesn't respect me. you know, we had agreed not to see anyone else or sleep with anyone else while we were separated. he made that promise to me when we first separated. not to mention when you marry someone you make a vow to your spouse and god that you will be faithful, etc. nothing means anything to anyone now a days. where is the real commitment? i feel like after this marriage, and it is my second, that i will never get married again. personally i do not want to. i am tired of men and their games. he was so sweet in the beginning (almost too sweet). this was also a little concerning, however i tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. it is hard for me to trust people anyway. he treated me well compared to most men i've been with. it will take me a long time to open up to another man. i do not want to have to go through this again. once i tear down my wall and let someone in they destroy my trust and i have to build the wall up again. i never cheated on my husband. did i think about seeing other men? yes, however every time i felt like this i remembered my vows to him and how i would feel if it was done to me. he can't even be honest with me!!!! what a coward!!!! this time i have learned my lesson for good. i consider myself i nice person. i am not perfect by any means. i have said some things to him that were mean in the past and i have apologized for them. however, i wouldn't do what he has done to me. my trust is completely gone and i need to proceed on with my life. it will take time but i will get through this. right now i feel so low, cheated, disgraced, demoralized, and like an invalid. i feel like no one loves me or respects me. besides this i have been feeling physically ill. it seems like one thing after another with my life. nothing can ever just be "good or happy." i want it that way. i want to feel physically well and mentally sound. i am 32 years old and feel like i am 60. i shouldn't feel this way. :sad: i am trying to better myself through going to my psychologist, psychiatrist, group, and am going to get my master's degree. plus, i try to go to the doctor whenever my body is telling me something is wrong. but when is it going to get better? i pray and pray but nothing to work. i feel like god has given up on me. my whole life has been turmoil and strife. why is it that some good people have had shitty lives? and there are some bad people that have great lives. i don't understand. maybe there really isn't a god? it could be something just to believe in? everyone needs something to believe in or there would be no purpose to being alive. right? sorry that i have not been writing lately. i haven't been feeling all that great. i hope you understand. i don't know if i can take this anymore. i keep on living because of my son. if i didn't have him i probably wouldn't be here. believe me there are days to where i feel like i can't go on. but i keep pressing on. **hugs**
