i have never written a blog before, but i guess its just the same as writting a diary which ive done a few times before so here goes...
am sat watching the full monty and although ive seen it goodness knows how many times its still good. i think about the suicidal guy in it - as soon as he makes a few friends he seems ok, if only it was that easy.. for me although things are a whole lot better than they have been. but i am still plagued by 'the bad thoughts' i wonder how long they take to go away? i wonder how long it will take for any of this to go away. this last episode has had me down for 9 months now. i am well aware that some people survive it for a lot longer than that but i am loosing the will a bit.
but while things dont appear to be getting any better, something is going to have to change as i am fast running out of money. so im back on the job market. at 22 i am well aware i should be exited about the opportunities that lay in front of me, but most of the time i am not a bit. on the contary im scared, overwhelmed and so so frightened that even if i can find a job, it will just make me worse. i have to appologise, you have caught me in a negative moment, well i say negative moment, actually i feel like this most of the time, if not all of it...but just occasionally i feel i may be able to do it. and i get the exited buzz feeling... and i so desperatly want that feeling more often.
but i hate my 'negative moments' and i like to dream, so maybe i will get a job... hell, maybe i will enjoy it. maybe it will make things more bearable. i think thats what my psych nurse thinks anyway. maybe i should be more honest with him about how im feeling though... wh knows. i cant think of any real conclusion to these thoughts so i guess il just leave it that.
