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"Sometimes suicide is the answer.."
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Who am I?

Mood: Other
Date: May. 17, 2008
Music:
I've been making a big effort to act the way people want me to act. Maybe it doesn't show, but I have. I shouldn't feel like I have to change for anyone, I should do it for myself. The problem is, I don't want to change. Sometimes it feels like there's no place for me. I'm not very strong, mentally, even if it seems like I am. My emotions depend completely on other people. Their opinions and they way they act towards things I do and say. I just care so much about what people think. I'm trying to be stronger, but I just can't see a point in doing anything unless it's to impress or get attention from someone else. I wish I could detach myself from this. I know I just need to relax and stop thinking about this stuff that means nothing to anyone, but it's just hard to ignore. No matter what I do, there's always SOMEONE who isn't happy. I wunna be stronger now and more carefree. Sometimes I'm willing to change and already changing, happy about living, caring about people. Other times I refuse to let go of my past and feeling the way I used to feel. If I change, if I become what so many people want me to be, it'll be just like turning my back on who I am. The thing is, this is my life. Everyone else has their own life. And friends and boyfriends, they'll come and go, but I'm gunna be stuck with me, so if I don't do what I want, I'm going to be miserable. I need a lot of attention. As soon as I get a bit of power over someone I use it to hurt them and once I've started I wont stop till I've destroyed everything. It's uncontrollable. I don't think straight when i do it, I don't see anything else. I just become cold and indifferent to the way people are feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I ever care about anyone. No one ever understands what I'm talking about. Maybe I'm just rubbish at explaining things. Why do I care so much about what other people think? It's pathetic. I need to take controll over my own life and start doing things for me, if only I knew what that was.

I used to think I knew myself completely, but now I seem to keep learning new things about myself. Things I don't really like. It's hard to keep up. I don't understand what's wrong with me and why I have to be like this. I want people to accept me and understand me, but I don't think that's gunna happen. It takes time and effort and I don't think anyone cares that much. I don't even care that much, so why should anyone else?
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From: Leda14
May 17, 2008, 07:34 pm
i dont know you at all but from what you said i am exactly like you. I will go out of my way to gain control over people and abuse my power. I honestly dont think i care about anyone else not really maybe a few. At most i respect people who say no to me. I am what people would call superficial i care about everything people say and think and i assume if people dont say nice things about me all the time they are thinking bad things and i will fall into the pitt of depression even if its a small thing. I want to change sometimes too but i have a huge ego and it prevents me from changing my real self thinks its ok to walk all over people as long as im happy with it. But even though im happy when people are nice and happy i have come to depend and live off power over others and i know one day its going to end and i will be left alone in the dark. SO i truly want to change, to gain control before its too late i want to be independent form the emotions of others. i realize you need help i do too. im glad there is somebody out there like me 

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