Depression

Crap (can I say that here?) A success at many difficult things, then blew them when another episode hit. Hatin' life, but such a failure at ending it (of course), now afraid I'll just manage to screw up my body as well as my mind w/ a real good try.

Just feeling good once in a while; all the time being a hopeless fantasy, as would a legal med that actually works, and a truly great shrink. People who truly Do understand. Warmth (weather & human), beaches & water, Lake Como Resort; really smart, funny people who can fake fitting in with normies when necessary, but with whom I don't have to worry about hiding my own intelligence; reading--books & whatever I stumble across online, like this! (eclectic autodidact ;-) Taught myself to read by age 4. My main fear is something happening that would keep me from reading. Didn't even realize I read *everything* that's in front of me, even try to puzzle out languages I don't know until almost went nuts in Morocco being baffled by the signs. Still miss self-medicating with booze, may go back, even after 7 years; wish I could quit cigarettes, but tobacco is great for my lousy dopamine level.

Television!, people who say they understand & Do Not! , my dysfunctional family of origin, liars & other phonies, boring people, esp. those who have no clue. Stupid "advice" like "just pull yourself together", or, "just get a hour a day of exercise", "practice good sleep hygiene, etc. ad infinitum. >:-p

Almost tone-deaf, but like cheery or simpatico lyrics, like Jimmy Buffet or James Taylor, genuine old blues - e.g. Robert Johnson

Whoa! Nowhere near enough space, either here or in my place!
Right now, loving current Florida fiction, esp. mysteries or dark hilarity, Randy Wayne White to Carl Hiaasen & of course, John D. Getting a bit into the history now, as well.

A few of the old classics, like those with Bogart, Mitchum, etc.
Or a really funny one, like anything by Mel Brooks, some of Woody Allen's stuff...

Right now, just reading & 'net surfing. Too emotionally immobilized to do any of the other things I enjoy.