Depression

My name is Josiah, Jo for short. I'm 23 years old and I have a 2 year old son named cory who is my life. I have been suffering from minor depression since I was about 10 years old. I have been able to handle it and keep it in check for most of my life, but when I met my husband it almost just disapeared . I felt complete, and so full of love there was no room for anything else , then when I thought I couldnt be any happier, my now husband purposed to me on christmas day. I said yes as you can tell. Then a couple months later I got the news that I was going to be a mommy. I got depressed agian for the first time in years, I was so scared about bringing a new life into this world , that I wasnt going to be a good mom, that my child would have to suffer like I had as a child , with my parents always fighting then divorceing , with depression and my child wouldnt have the support of siblings like I was lucky enough to have , that our new family would fall apart . I was very scared of my love and I ending up like my parents did. But my husband helped me thru it , he held me and told me that I had nothing to be scared of , that I would be a great mother , and he would never leave my side , that our family was all he had ever wanted in his whole life , that he loved me and he would never stop loveing me or our child . That we would always be a family even after death and slowly I began to believe him , and put my faith in his strength ,in his words, in his faith. I became happy agian, excited about our new child, about being a mommy and the chance to make a difference in life , to make it happier , better than what I had in the past... everything was great, my husband had a job he loved , and always took great care of me , he never let me forget that he loved me or any of the things he had told me about our new family, he was so happy ... The night before our son was born we were both so excited that we couldnt sleep, we stayed up together talking and laughing and playing games all night long....when it was time to go to the hospital he helped me to the car... and kept running back into the house over and over agian , grabing anything he thought we might need franticly trying to think of what he was forgetting , the car was so full.. we finally got to the hospital and into the room at 3 am , there were so many people I could hardly believe it his family and mine , our friends....a couple hours after laybor had started we got married right there in the delivery room at 8:23 am january 11th 2005. after hours of hard laybor and the feeling that I was slipping into a dream , and feeling nothing but pain in my lower back just above my tail bone. my mother in law kitsi felt that somthing was really wrong , there was way to much blood she told me later, she decided to fetch a nurse, by this time i was slipping in and out of consiousness, my husband laying on the bed next to me, holding me... I only remember bits and peices.. the nurse came in and checked me, makeing my husband move off the bed, which woke me up kinda, I was struggling to stay consious trying to figure out why he had moved , who was this person, where was brandon . he was there moveing around the nurse trying to keep eye contact with me talking to me so I would stay calm..the room was still full , everyone worried , then the nurse made everyone one but my husband leave the room. and called the docter and told him my sons heart beat was droping and so was mine, the docter came and checked me also , my husband standing by my side holding my hand and strokeing my hair... the docter said for the nurse to call the O.R. and tell them to get ready , I needed and emergency C-section, my sons ambilical cord was wraped around his throat , he was choking to death with every contraction, and pulling the sack away from the wall in my womb, causeing internal bleeding and hemerageing ... i remember the nurse telling my docter that the O.R. needed 15 minutes to get ready, and the docter yelling to her "f@ck THAT ,SHE NEEDS TO GO NOW!! " I looked at my husbands face and saw the fear , worry and panic fill him as all color drained out of him , i could feel the docter and nurse moveing me, all i could do was stare at my love, and feel the worry for him welling up inside, i was scared for him..."I love you!" was the only thing i could get out before i lost consiousness... ( to be continued after some sleep)

my only son ,cory ... reading , writeing , music ..... just about anything, when i can do any of them, i cant seem to find the strength to do anything but take care of my son, i find my self fakeing smiles ,and pretending to be asleep when everyone else is on their way to bed ....

my husband ,and the woman he left my son and i for ..... life in general

Single, but not alone	WEST COAST MENTAL HEALTH GROUP